You know it's time to replace your disgusting backpack

It's time for me to get real.

My filthy, animal-bitten, smelly backpack has got to go. I think it's beyond rehabilitation at this point. True, it's got a lot of sentimental value. The pack was with me for every step of the Pacific Crest Trail. It almost drowned me in Bear Creek. It weighed me down on a thousand switchbacks. And, most recently, I used the pack as a toboggan to help me escape from the Kentucky backwoods.

Now, sad to say, I'm probably going to get rid of the thing. And I'm not the only one who should think about doing this. Here are a few quick rules of thumb for those of you who simply can't let go of your backpack,even though its time has come...

1. You know it's time to replace your backpack when people you've never met start stuffing five-dollar bills into your hand.

2. You know it's time to replace your backpack when you go to the airport and get pulled out of the line by the "special security check team.'' And they're wearing HazMat suits.

3. You know it's time to replace your backpack when you walk down the streets of Haight Ashbury and no one tries to talk to you. Not even Greenpeace.

4, You know it's time to replace your backpack when the EPA puts it on the "National Priority Superfund'' list -- right between "Falcon Refinery'' and "Humboldt Smelter.''


I will add more to this list when I think of them.

If you have suggestions of your own for this list, please send them along ...